What the hell is wrong with me?

I was so confident that I would start out this week, watch what I ate, log every single bite and work out. Yeah, that's not been happening. I don't know why I can't get my willpower to actually do its' job and stop me from eating crap that I know I shouldn't? It's like my brain is completely out of control and it wants me to eat everything!

Right now I'm sitting here thinking I'd love nothing more than some cheddar cheese, boneless wings from BWW and a can of pringles! I'm even bargaining with myself about how much exercise I need to do to eat all that! Ridiculous, I know but it's how my brain works right now.

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm pretty sure that it's not going to be pretty. I guess I could just eat nothing the rest of the day so there's nothing in my stomach to weigh me down. That just seems extreme. So frustrated with myself right now.

When you just don't give a $h!t

I've been trying to lose weight for years...and I mean years! Since before my son was born 13+ years ago! I was bigger than most kids in grade school and I just continued to gain weight in middle & high school! I was still under 200 lbs in high school so I thought I was ok but it's amazing how those pounds can seem to creep up on you. How did I not stop this sooner and why can't I focus on losing the weight?

I know what I need to do...I've done it before...I've just lost my willpower. I'm to the point where I really don't care what I look like because I don't care what anyone thinks of me. That is a really sad place to be. Being confident in yourself is one thing, not giving a shit is another thing entirely! I need to find a happy balance.

I've almost always started my weigh in/diet weeks on Saturdays so I have the weekdays to "fix" any lapses I made over the weekend. Tomorrow, I will start again. Going to give myself today to get a plan in place and get any food fixes out of my system. I'm not going to gorge myself but I just need a day to be a little free before I hit it hard again!

I don't even want to know what the scale says tomorrow but this has got to be done. I want to get back under 200 lbs at the very least! I've done it before, I should be able to do it again!

Below is a pic of my lowest, around 180, in October 2008. The sad thing is that I still didn't feel like I was thinner after losing 80 pounds. I was still only able to get into a size 16/18 and I was so mad that I still had to shop in the plus size department. In the midst of that, I had just started a new job that had a much higher stress level and my health was no longer as high a priority! I've got to make it important from now on.

Here's a pic from December 2008. When I saw this one, I realized that I was actually thinner...too bad I didn't realize it at the time. Note the pumpkins and Christmas cards all displayed at the same time. :)