Yeah, I'm jealous!

I know I should be happy that we have a place to live and income to pay the bills but I'm really struggling to get out of this funk because it seems like everyone else has such a great life...and I don't.

Ever since I got laid off about 5 years ago, things have gone downhill. It took 9 months to find a job and my severance ran out before that so I was overextended on all my credit cards and never could catch up. Had to file for bankruptcy but I still don't feel like I'm ever going to get ahead...even working 2 jobs.

On top of the financial stress of being a single mom, my son has turned into one of those kids that I swore I'd never raise. He's selfish & lazy and insists on breaking every rule he can. Unfortunately, at 17 1/2 it's too late to "raise him right" so I'm constantly stressed about him.

Add in the fact that I'm not satisfied with either of my jobs & you may understand why I have fallen into a state of depression. It always seems like everyone else has something to celebrate when all I have are regrets. I know they say your attitude determines how happy your life will be buts it's pretty hard to be happy and upbeat when you feel like you're getting knocked down every step of the way. 1 step forward, 4 steps back.

I try not to get jealous of what my friends have but it's so hard to be happy for them when I can't even get a fraction of the joy that they seem to find in life. They have rewarding jobs. Children that did well in school & are driven to succeed. Decent homes, families & friends. I feel like I have none of that. My constant state of worry over my son, finances and mental state have given me ulcers & many sleepless nights.

I'm at the end of my rope & don't know where to go next.

Being free of debt was nice...for the few months it lasted.

I like to think that things happen for a reason. And while that reason is not always clear I can usually roll with whatever happens. Today, I've encountered the one thing that I just can't handle. My car is out of commission.

I cannot stand being without a car. It's my only source of transportation and I cannot stand being dependent on others. Especially when it means I'm depending on someone else to get me to my new job on time.

On top of the gas leak which will require the gas tank to be replaced, the brake pads need replaced and the transmission is slipping. I can't get another car because I have no money left and I can't get a car loan because I don't have any proof of income.

Throw in this chest pain that I'm dealing with and I'm about to lose my mind.

I guess what really bugs me is that I've lived with tons of debt all my life. I lost my job, got severance, paid it all off & then had to charge a bunch of my credit cards back up to live on since it took so long to find a job. Now, what little credit I have left is gonna be charged up fixing the car so I can get to work to make money to pay off the credit cards. What a vicious freaking cycle.

UPDATE: mom found a 2007 recall that might cover the issue. Fingers crossed.

Random Job Thoughts

So, the end of this month/year I'm losing my job.  I've known about it for months.  First I was being let go in August, then I got an extension til the end of December.  Now, it's all coming to a close.  Nearly 12 years with this company and I'm being cut.  Not because I did anything wrong but because some knuckleheaded consulting firm thought it would be a good idea to take a group of tenured reps in fraud, chargebacks and data entry and replace them with a bunch of people that have never done that kind of work before. As you can tell, I'm still a little bitter.  They wanted me to move to Cincinnati and stay in my old job but that just wasn't in the cards for me.  Amazing how they can have so many other people working from other states out of their living rooms with no supervision but they couldn't let me, and my 12 years of experience, work from the Evansville office.

I've been bitter about it for a while and though I try not to show it too much, I know people can tell.  I've come to the realization that while it's going to be scary to look for a new job and possibly be unemployed for a while this might be the time for me to get out and try something new.  Challenge myself to do something different with my life.  Unfortunately, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  :)

Any ideas?