Monday, August 27, 2012

Flash Back or Leap Forward?

I can't help but think of how things could have been if I'd done things differently in the past. I rarely dwell in the past but recent events have made me carry regret, the way I never have before.

What I'm left to ponder is...would I rather go back & try to fix things or go forward and try to avoid all the negative effects of my decisions?

Would going back make things better or would I be too scared to make a different decision and end up in a worse place? If I go forward, would I lose all chances to effect the future and end up in a worse place?

I hate having regrets but I've never been in a place like this before. I guess it's to be expected. Spent 12 years in a good place with minimal "interference" and just started losing control in the last year. It's hard not to have regrets.

They could take my child and I don't care...

Does that make me a bad mother?

Tonight was probably the worst "episode" Josh has ever had...all because I refused to let someone spend the night. I was 1 more thrown item away from calling 911.

He's never hit me but I felt like it was close tonight. He was in my face screaming & cursing, followed by punching walls & throwing things.

It took a long time for him to calm down and I wasn't sure he would even come down off this trip. I was so over it that I actually emailed his probation officer & told him I needed help & couldn't take any more.

All that got me was a message that he had retired and I should contact another court officer. No phone # or email address, just a name and a hope that I could get in touch with them if needed.

At that moment, it was as if the world was saying "Fuck You, you're on your own"! That's how I feel because there is nothing anyone can do to help me unless he actually hits me first. Sure, I could call 911, they might come talk to him but they won't remove him from the house if they don't have to. And you know having the cops show up would make him even more angry.

What's really sad is that it's been going on for so long that I can't even react to the thought of him being removed from my house. I don't even care because I'm done and I wish he would go away. It's horrible for me to have those thoughts but I can't help it. I can't deal with any more of his outbursts.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

WARNING...your child is an a$$...

It's my own fault, I take responsibility for it but I feel the need to warn others about my parenting failure.

I'm no parenting expert but I feel I must say this; however, if your kids are over 8 & you don't already follow this, you're probably screwed.

Never try to give your kids the "childhood you wish you'd had". We all wish our childhoods had been filled with freedom, parents that bought us whatever we wanted and the ability to make our own decisions.

Letting your kids live like this will destroy your life, and likely turn them into the teen (and possibly adult) that we all loathe.

If your childhood was good, make theirs just slightly miserable.

If your childhood sucked, make sure theirs sucks even more.

You will never make your child truly appreciate their life until they've suffered through a few years without.

The trick is to make them "suffer" at the right age.  Early enough that they will learn from it, but not so late that they'll be resentful.

I'd wager ages 4-7 are the optimal ages to really train your kids to be appreciative. And how do you do this? Make them suffer...through times of no new toys, no fun activities, no TV, no good food.

Why oh why didn't I learn this sooner? I'm currently trying to train a 14 y.o. about appreciating what you have, respecting yourself, your things & others and not being a complete boil on the butt of humanity.

Unfortunately, I'm too late. At this age, it's impossible to reason with them and their main goal in life is to do the opposite of whatever they're told or asked to do.

No matter how hard I try, I'm always wrong. Always the bad guy. Always a dumbass (as he pointed out today). Reminding myself that he was just a rebellious teen worked for the first year. Now, I find comfort in the thought that he's simply inherited a douchebag gene from his father and there's nothing I can do about it.

Well, short of calling his probation officer and getting him to do something...there's nothing. I can't tell you how close I've been to making that phone call the last few weeks. I'm so over this attitude and I think some time apart would do us (me) good.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Damn this funk...

The last few weeks have been rough. Finally out of denial and coming to the realization that I need to find a second job or file for bankruptcy. I'm just not sure how to avoid making this decision. I blamed the lack of money on Vectren last month, but it's not just that. I finally sat down and redid the budget and I'm upside down.

Now, I'm in that place where I'm kicking myself for not moving with my last job because I ended up $10,000+ in debt and took a 50%+ pay cut to stay here...and for what? I still live in a crappy place, I still have nothing nice, Josh is still being a complete terror and I'm broke on top of it.

The car needs a new transmission, tires, suspension, etc. There is no way I'll be able to afford to do any of that work and if the car stops running, I'm screwed because we don't live near a bus line. Even if someone would give me a loan, I can't afford any more outgoing each month. I'm trying to stay afloat and not pay anything late because my credit has been great for 15+ years...I just don't know what to do.

Heck, I didn't even take the insurance at work because it's so expensive and now I've got over $1000 in medical bills I have to figure out how to pay. Maybe I could send them all $5 each month until they are paid off? I'll be dead first...

Ok, pity party over...just have to get this all figured out and stop stressing about it.