Monday, January 1, 2018

The will to live

He's never been diagnosed but I could swear my 19 year old is bipolar. He has a lot of trouble dealing with his feelings & there are times when he will lose his mind, get violent, scream & some times forget everything that happened during an "episode". Today was one of those times.

He's insecure about his fiance and is sure she's going to leave him. She has older parents and needy family members that she often stays with to help. He feels they use her and she should tell them no.

She left for the afternoon and called an hour later to say she couldn't come back for a while because she had to stay and help with her mom and niece. He lost his mind. Screaming, breaking things, crying. He sent her a nasty text and then put a kitchen knife to his neck, threatening to kill himself. He told me that nobody cares about him, not even me. Then he took a pocket knife and told me to kill him or he would.

It's hard for me to convince him that he needs to live when he puts me through this. He has no purpose in life, which is his own fault because he won't try to do anything, including get a job. He feels worthless because right now, he is. I can't get him to understand that if he could get a job and make something of himself, as well as some more friends, he might feel better.

It's hard to convince him to live when I had similar thoughts, of ending things, within the last few weeks. I've lost my will to fight him to make something of himself and I, almost, don't even care what happens anymore. If that makes me a bad mom, so be it. A person can only take so much before they hit their breaking point and stop giving a shit about everything.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Holiday Time Sucks

I used to love Christmas. Buying gifts, putting up decorations, festivities. Not this year. Funny how things change when you don't have any money.

The tree wouldn't even be up if I hadn't been too lazy to take it down last year.

This is the first year that there won't be any gifts under the tree. No surprises in the stockings. No joy on Christmas morning.

Just another day of the year where I'll be sitting at home doing nothing.

I got myself into this mess because of my own actions but it's super frustrating to be in a financial hole with no way out. I used to be able to buy gifts for family and still have money to donate to those without any gifts for Christmas. This year, we will be the ones with no Christmas.

I can barely afford to buy food, how can I justify spending money on non-essential items? I thought being an adult would be easier by now.

I'm 41 with 2 grown adults mooching off me, soon to have a grandchild that I'll have to support because nobody else can get a job. I don't know how we're going to do it.

I will never be able to move from this tiny 2 bedroom rental. I will never be able to take a vacation. I will never be able to retire. I've already had the best it'll be and that wasn't that great.

I hate the holidays and all the happiness that everyone else seems to enjoy.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Is the end really coming?

I'm not a religious person and I cannot stand people that claim victims "got what they deserved" because they held a certain belief. That being said...I have to speculate if someone is trying to tell California something.

They decriminalize knowingly passing HIV to another person and threaten prison time for addressing someone by the wrong gender...now their state is on fire.

I'm just saying...maybe there is a higher power at hand that is sick and tired of the b.s. this state is participating in.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

You are not free from the consequences of your actions

The NBA has announced that all players must stand for the anthem. Opponents are crying because that violates their first amendment rights.

I say, they are at a paying job and need to learn to follow rules while on the job. They are free to kneel, if they wish. But the boss is also free to fire them for not following instructions.

Yes, we ARE sick of the protests

Let me just say that I don't think it's necessarily white people that are against all this protesting garbage...it's conservatives....who happen to be primarily white.

What this writer fails to realize is that we've come to a point in society where so many liberals are protesting so much crap that a protest doesn't mean anything anymore.

A good portion of these "protestors" do nothing to help their cause. They are violent, aggressive and hateful. And when you attempt to ask them what they are protesting, they can't give you a straight answer.

Protests seem to be the "cool" thing to do and a large portion of the country is sick & tired of hearing about garbage that isn't true.

Trump is a fascist!
All conservatives are racist!
All cops are bad!

Just stop it!

Ever since the democrats lost they've been hell bent on tearing our country apart. The media will twist the truth so much that it starts more protests yet the folks attending don't even know what they are protesting against.

They blame Trump for everything, especially the racial divide but groups like black lives matter have done nothing put increase the division that Obama started during his terms at President.

If you really want to make a difference then do something other than take a knee or clash with other protestors that have different views.

We are sick of the whining about inequality. We are sick of your demands for safe spaces, special treatment and reparations. We are sick of it. We are all Americans so how about you stop acting like a bunch of spoiled brats and do something important?

We don't take you seriously anymore because all your protesting & whining has done nothing but cause more divide and anger in the country.