Monday, January 1, 2018

The will to live

He's never been diagnosed but I could swear my 19 year old is bipolar. He has a lot of trouble dealing with his feelings & there are times when he will lose his mind, get violent, scream & some times forget everything that happened during an "episode". Today was one of those times.

He's insecure about his fiance and is sure she's going to leave him. She has older parents and needy family members that she often stays with to help. He feels they use her and she should tell them no.

She left for the afternoon and called an hour later to say she couldn't come back for a while because she had to stay and help with her mom and niece. He lost his mind. Screaming, breaking things, crying. He sent her a nasty text and then put a kitchen knife to his neck, threatening to kill himself. He told me that nobody cares about him, not even me. Then he took a pocket knife and told me to kill him or he would.

It's hard for me to convince him that he needs to live when he puts me through this. He has no purpose in life, which is his own fault because he won't try to do anything, including get a job. He feels worthless because right now, he is. I can't get him to understand that if he could get a job and make something of himself, as well as some more friends, he might feel better.

It's hard to convince him to live when I had similar thoughts, of ending things, within the last few weeks. I've lost my will to fight him to make something of himself and I, almost, don't even care what happens anymore. If that makes me a bad mom, so be it. A person can only take so much before they hit their breaking point and stop giving a shit about everything.