Saturday, September 1, 2012

Work Compliments

I really don't know if the sales folks are all really that nice and appreciative or if they are periodically told to compliment the CSR team so we don't go AWOL on them. Yesterday, I had 3 different sales folks tell me how great a job I was doing.

I like getting that feedback but it's always awkward because I'm not sure how I should respond. I usually say thanks and try to change the subject because I hate talking about myself like that. I'm more of a "tell me if I messed up or let me just do my job" kind of employee. It's nice to get that positive feedback some times, though.

Struggles continue...

Josh has had a really rough week...even worse on me...and it's beginning to show in my physical health. I'm irritable at work, tired, my muscle spasms are back, etc.

I think it was Tuesday, Josh decided he wanted someone to spend the night on a school night and I said no. When he continued to ask, I continued to say no and he went ballistic. Throwing things, screaming in my face, cursing at me, etc. He never hit me but I wasn't sure that it wouldn't come to that.

Thursday morning, he claimed he was sick and couldn't go to school. He's already on probation for truancy so if he misses any more days, he could be taken away and placed in a boys school/home. I went to work and at 8:30am he decided that maybe it wasn't worth the risk, he was feeling miraculously better and I had to leave work to take him to school.

Friday he made it about 30 minutes before he got into a shoving match with another student, the cops were called and he was suspended for the rest of the day. All because some kid shoved a chair into his leg. Are you kidding me? What the hell is wrong with these kids today? Josh is no angel and he had no business getting freaked out about a chair hitting his leg but the other kids are constantly trying to get other kids riled up and cause a scene.

It will be interesting to see what his probation officer says. We have an appointment with the judge on the 10th to discuss his lack of participation in class and his lack of homework completion. He refuses to do anything at night and then acts like it's my fault that he "forgot" to do it when we leave the next morning.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take before I end up at my breaking point. I'm also worried about missing much more work. I've already blown through all my vacation time for other appointments and my boss has been pretty flexible up to this point but I cannot risk losing my job because he wants to live his life as a complete jackass.

I know it's not nice to call your kids names's the truth. Hoping for some fantastic options to fall into my lap so I know what to do. The court & school systems have been a total failure at actually helping. They have a board of psychologists that are supposed to help parents and teachers when students are struggling. I think it's pretty darn obvious that he's not having a easy time of this. Yet nobody has ever stepped in and said "we have some options that might help you". It's like pulling teeth and short of sending him to an inpatient mental facility, I don't know what else to do.

I need help...

Well, in more ways than one...but last week I decided I was going to apply for assistance. I was on Medicaid and WIC with Josh but haven't needed it since and I'm not too happy about being in this position. The worst part is, I'm pretty sure they are going to deny me because I "make too much money". Heck, they told me I "most likely didn't quality" when I was on unemployment.

I've got a phone "interview" tuesday so we'll see what they say. I applied for everything but I really just need health coverage for Josh. He needs to be able to see a psychologist and get some meds for his "mental" issues and I can't afford it right now.

Still kicking my own ass for not moving when my job was relocated. Seems like all the problems started when I started this newest job at Berry. Not that the company or job is to blame...the hours and such aren't any different than what I was working's just a coincidence, right?

Can't help but wonder how different things might be if we'd moved. Maybe it would have been a fresh start and Josh would have been better than he is now. If not, I would have had the extra money and insurance to take care of his "problems". Right now, I can barely pay the minimums, put gas in the car and food on the table.

Still can't figure out how I'm going to pay for school books since I'm scrambling to pay his lunch fees. Just have to get over this hump, stay calm and realize that he's old enough to make his own decisions. There's no reason why I should be shouldering all the blame for him being a royal jerk part of the time...right?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Flash Back or Leap Forward?

I can't help but think of how things could have been if I'd done things differently in the past. I rarely dwell in the past but recent events have made me carry regret, the way I never have before.

What I'm left to ponder is...would I rather go back & try to fix things or go forward and try to avoid all the negative effects of my decisions?

Would going back make things better or would I be too scared to make a different decision and end up in a worse place? If I go forward, would I lose all chances to effect the future and end up in a worse place?

I hate having regrets but I've never been in a place like this before. I guess it's to be expected. Spent 12 years in a good place with minimal "interference" and just started losing control in the last year. It's hard not to have regrets.

They could take my child and I don't care...

Does that make me a bad mother?

Tonight was probably the worst "episode" Josh has ever had...all because I refused to let someone spend the night. I was 1 more thrown item away from calling 911.

He's never hit me but I felt like it was close tonight. He was in my face screaming & cursing, followed by punching walls & throwing things.

It took a long time for him to calm down and I wasn't sure he would even come down off this trip. I was so over it that I actually emailed his probation officer & told him I needed help & couldn't take any more.

All that got me was a message that he had retired and I should contact another court officer. No phone # or email address, just a name and a hope that I could get in touch with them if needed.

At that moment, it was as if the world was saying "Fuck You, you're on your own"! That's how I feel because there is nothing anyone can do to help me unless he actually hits me first. Sure, I could call 911, they might come talk to him but they won't remove him from the house if they don't have to. And you know having the cops show up would make him even more angry.

What's really sad is that it's been going on for so long that I can't even react to the thought of him being removed from my house. I don't even care because I'm done and I wish he would go away. It's horrible for me to have those thoughts but I can't help it. I can't deal with any more of his outbursts.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

WARNING...your child is an a$$...

It's my own fault, I take responsibility for it but I feel the need to warn others about my parenting failure.

I'm no parenting expert but I feel I must say this; however, if your kids are over 8 & you don't already follow this, you're probably screwed.

Never try to give your kids the "childhood you wish you'd had". We all wish our childhoods had been filled with freedom, parents that bought us whatever we wanted and the ability to make our own decisions.

Letting your kids live like this will destroy your life, and likely turn them into the teen (and possibly adult) that we all loathe.

If your childhood was good, make theirs just slightly miserable.

If your childhood sucked, make sure theirs sucks even more.

You will never make your child truly appreciate their life until they've suffered through a few years without.

The trick is to make them "suffer" at the right age.  Early enough that they will learn from it, but not so late that they'll be resentful.

I'd wager ages 4-7 are the optimal ages to really train your kids to be appreciative. And how do you do this? Make them suffer...through times of no new toys, no fun activities, no TV, no good food.

Why oh why didn't I learn this sooner? I'm currently trying to train a 14 y.o. about appreciating what you have, respecting yourself, your things & others and not being a complete boil on the butt of humanity.

Unfortunately, I'm too late. At this age, it's impossible to reason with them and their main goal in life is to do the opposite of whatever they're told or asked to do.

No matter how hard I try, I'm always wrong. Always the bad guy. Always a dumbass (as he pointed out today). Reminding myself that he was just a rebellious teen worked for the first year. Now, I find comfort in the thought that he's simply inherited a douchebag gene from his father and there's nothing I can do about it.

Well, short of calling his probation officer and getting him to do something...there's nothing. I can't tell you how close I've been to making that phone call the last few weeks. I'm so over this attitude and I think some time apart would do us (me) good.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Damn this funk...

The last few weeks have been rough. Finally out of denial and coming to the realization that I need to find a second job or file for bankruptcy. I'm just not sure how to avoid making this decision. I blamed the lack of money on Vectren last month, but it's not just that. I finally sat down and redid the budget and I'm upside down.

Now, I'm in that place where I'm kicking myself for not moving with my last job because I ended up $10,000+ in debt and took a 50%+ pay cut to stay here...and for what? I still live in a crappy place, I still have nothing nice, Josh is still being a complete terror and I'm broke on top of it.

The car needs a new transmission, tires, suspension, etc. There is no way I'll be able to afford to do any of that work and if the car stops running, I'm screwed because we don't live near a bus line. Even if someone would give me a loan, I can't afford any more outgoing each month. I'm trying to stay afloat and not pay anything late because my credit has been great for 15+ years...I just don't know what to do.

Heck, I didn't even take the insurance at work because it's so expensive and now I've got over $1000 in medical bills I have to figure out how to pay. Maybe I could send them all $5 each month until they are paid off? I'll be dead first...

Ok, pity party over...just have to get this all figured out and stop stressing about it.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Stop the your life...move on

I can understand why people often boycott establishments because of the stance they take on certain issues; however, I can't help but think those that make negative remarks about Chik Fil A being against gay marriage are simply doing the same thing they accuse Chik Fil A of.

Everyone has a right to their personal beliefs & lifestyles, why can't we all just accept that we are different and leave each other alone? If you want to boycott the company because of the founders belief statement, go for it but you should respect their beliefs and not get nasty about it.

You want to be allowed to live the lifestyle of your choice, they deserve that right as well.

I'm not saying you have to agree with them, just stop bashing them because their beliefs differ from yours. There will always be someone that doesn't like something about each of us, don't let it consume your life. If it's not negatively impacting your constitutional rights, get over it.

People are too wrapped up in what other people your life and let others live theirs. Don't stoop to the level of those that are hateful and intolerant.

Believe what you want and don't force your beliefs on others.

Again, just my opinion...if you offer yours, don't be an ass!

Thanks for visiting!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Where did it go so wrong?

As mothers day approaches, I can't help but reflect on my success as a parent. Well, I don't think anyone would really call it a success. We're both alive, the house hasn't burned to the ground & neither of us are in jail...yet. Unfortunately, I think that is the fast track he has put himself on.

I wish I had been a stricter parent. Instead of appreciating what he has, he expects me to buy him whatever he wants and that's just not feasible anymore. He has no respect for himself, me, others or anything that is around him.

I've created an exact replica of the teens I hate so much. He's rude, lazy & inconsiderate...among other things. And I have nobody to blame but myself.

Since September, he's been suspended at least 6 times, expelled from one school, put on probation for truancy & suspended from the alternative school. Sad to say, I don't think anything short of a stint in a youth home or correctional facility will do him any good now.

Sadly, I no longer have the energy to fight his battles for him. All I can do is try to make him see reason. If he chooses to disregard my advice...and that of his case worker, teachers & probation officer....I can no longer help him.

He's going to have to learn the hard way.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The world has gone to hell in a handbasket

With each passing day, I fear for the future of the United States. The way things are progressing, this country won't be worth living in very long.

Kids feel entitled to whatever they want, they have no respect for themselves or others & they have no qualms about making choices that could harm themselves & others.

They imitate gang members, rappers & other stars that should never be considered role models for anyone. Folks have become wary of people that dress & act like thugs...for good reason. You never know who is a true thug & who is just a wannabe.

People have become so paranoid about perceived threats that they make poor decisions that cause damage to many lives. Unfortunately, I can understand that paranoia to a degree. You just never know how someone is going to act...all you can do is judge them on their initial appearance.

I just think people need to realize that first impressions mean a lot and if they don't want to be perceived as a thug, they shouldn't dress/act like one.

It's sad that those stereotypes exist...but they do. And people need to learn that they have to adapt to survive in the world today. If the felons & gangsters dress a certain way & that is not who you are, don't dress or behave the way they do.

Just my opinion of course. You're entitled to yours.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Smoke & Mirrors

The meeting that was supposed to happen with my boss and coworker...never did. It wasn't even mentioned but my coworker was in the bosses office after 5pm gushing about something.

Instead, I was given a new task of sitting on an hour long conference call 3 times a week. I'm assuming she thinks I have too much free time so she wants to help me fill my day so I can't do any more damage.

It's almost comical now but I'm getting tired of the way things are being handled. Guess it's time to stop trying to do anything more than my basic job. Keep my head down and my mouth shut.

That's gonna be a challenge! :0)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Frustrated with work

I expected things to be different when I changed jobs last year. What I didn't expect was to find myself in a position where my abilities & actions are constantly being questioned.

I'm not accustomed to people that don't believe in me and it's very difficult to adjust to. I'm also not used to working with people that are so quick to judge you based on their preconceived notions.

Yes, I'm independent and I don't often ask for help...but there's a reason. I dont need least not managing my workload. I have no problem asking my peers for help when I have questions but I don't have a problem with my workload at this point. One day, that may change...but don't judge me for not asking for help I don't need.

Maybe, instead of trying to make me feel bad for not asking for help, you might pay attention to the other things I'm helping others when needed. Accusing me of sabotaging a coworkers accounts is not the way to encourage me to help. Especially when you have no proof. Not to mention that the coworker was already making huge mistakes before I ever started helping. (See previous post for more details on this issue.)

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth (job) but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I will try to be optimistic because I like my job and (most of) my coworkers but the overall atmosphere is less than appealing.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sometimes I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut

I have a coworker that is struggling to keep up with her accounts. There are a lot of factors involved, including high volumes, limited training and poor organization. I've been trying to help her but she is so unorganized that she can't clearly give me things to help her with.

We started out with me helping her clean out her email box. She had over 800 emails in her inbox and we couldn't tell what had been done and what hadn't. I deleted the daily "garbage" emails that don't require review or action and filed those things that were sent to her as back up docs. I also marked loads of emails with follow up flags and added comments to each about what actions she needed to take. I then went to her desk to show her what I had done and ask her to look at the items with the red flags first because they appeared most urgent.

It took me 2 days...but I did it. I also gave her a list of tips on things that I did to keep my email box cleaned up and told her to let me know if she wanted me to show her some other things she could try. I never heard back.

Now, I can't stand to look at her email box because she's back up at 100 unread emails again. She's missed or nearly missed some orders that I've had to point out to her and she still can't clearly give me things to help her with. I think she is also worried about causing someone else to be stressed out so she holds back asking for help.

Last night, I approached my boss and expressed my concerns. I was told that my coworker wasn't worried about stressing me out, she was afraid I would organize her to death and she wouldn't be able to find anything. Um, HELLO!?!?! She obviously hasn't seen her work station lately! She could use a little organization in her life right now.

Then, she went on to say that my coworker felt she had missed some items because "someone" had moved or deletes the emails from her inbox. But she was quick to say she wasn't pointing any fingers. What's funny is, I'm the only one that has access to her emails so, obviously, she was talking about me.

I would bet $100 that the emails she "missed" are sitting in her follow up email box with a red flag and a note from me telling her what needed to be done. I'm sure that hasn't been done so I'm a little peeved that she would accuse me of deleting them. I will be checking that email box on Monday and you can bet I will be informing my boss of the situation if those are all still sitting there, untouched.

This whole thing just ticks me off. She's gotten tons of email complaints from the customers and I think at least one of them has actually called our boss to complain, yet they have done nothing to resolve the issue except tell me to help her...which I can't if she doesn't even know what work she has to do.

Monday we are having a meeting to find out what we can do to get her on track. If this doesn't work, I may have to tell the boss that I'm not going to take time away from my customers to clean up her mess when she isn't even trying to do anything differently. She obviously has no organizational skills at this point and won't take any advice on the matter.

It's not my nature to purposely let someone fall on their face but I guess that is what they want to happen. The environment is not the most ideal and some people just aren't cut out for it. I can't make her be something she isn't...but I'll try. I WILL NOT take people accusing me of doing something I did not!

And I will be removing my access from her emails because I will not be accused of causing her to miss something again!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Frustrating day

Not sure why today seemed so much worse than any other. Maybe I was just tired but everything seemed to make me irritable today.

Or perhaps it's just that people were being extraordinarily dense today. Felt like I was dealing with a few children, some idiots & several micromanagers.

Just leave me alone & let me do ky job. And stop making a big deal out of little mistakes. I'm busy fixing some huge mistakes previous employees made...cut me some slack.

Need a long, uninterrupted sleep tonight.

Did you get your efficiency ranking?

Last week, Vectren sent letters out showing us where we rank in efficiency with 100 similar homes nearby. First of all, we live in a 700 sf duplex with almost no insulation. I hope there aren't 100 similar homes nearby.

At any rate, my current ranking is 75 out of 100. Horrible number but they also pointed out that I was number 96 last time. I guess when you look at it that way number 75 isn't so bad.

Some friends on FB were in agreement that we doubted anyone got a ranking over 50 because they were trying to make us all feel like it was our fault that our bills were high.

I'm happy to say that I found someone in the top 10%. My grandmother is at #16 out of the 100 similar homes in her area. Of course, the woodburner & fact that she won't heat the whole house or run the dryer probably helped her number a lot.

She even got smiley faces on her letter. I sure don't remember any smiley faces on my "#75" letter.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Kids these days

Dear parents of teens,
Do you have any idea what your kids are doing online? Do you monitor their social media accounts? Do you know their passwords so you can control what they are doing?

Think this is an invasion of their privacy? Tough...until they grow up and move out, they shouldn't assume they have the right to any privacy at all.

It's pretty easy to identify a kid with parents that don't monitor their online activities. They post provocative pictures of themselves, curse & talk about doing drugs & having sex.

It's clear their parents let them surf the web unchecked. It's possible 90% of their posts are pure fiction...published to make themselves appear more interesting than they really are. do you really know?

Seems too many parents take the "what I don't know won't hurt me" approach. Thinking that there won't be any problems if they ignore the signs.

Had a conversation with Josh about some of the things I've seen posted online in the last few weeks. He then had a talk with one of the girls because she was making jokes about rape. Seriously?!??!?!?!?! Where are the parents these days?

Pay attention, control your kids & be involved...before something bad happens!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

New Weight Loss Blog

Need to separate this blog filled with whining from my weight loss blogging. Here is the blog where I'll be updating my progress if anyone is interested.

A letter to my mom

Dear Mom,
Last Sunday, I posted a picture to Facebook that really upset you. In fact, you were so upset that you left work early to come home and relieve me of my babysitting duties. I type this on day 7 of the silent treatment you've decided to give as punishment. I must be a horrible daughter to post the picture below making a joke out of the dirty condition your stove is in. Obviously, this is an underlying attack on you in general (even though I tagged you and Justin in the picture).

"01/29/12 Dear residents on Idlewild...please clean your stove. I nearly burned the house down with 5 children in it. Sincerely, the babysitter! :0)"

I have to assume that this isn't the real cause of your dysfunction but possibly the straw that broke the camels back. However, I do question your ability to remain rational in situations that become stressful. It shouldn't surprise me, though. After 35 years, I'm well aware that you tend to get upset about trivial things and hold a grudge longer than anyone I've ever know.

As my mother, I assumed that you knew my personality well enough to remember that I make jokes about everything. It's my's who I am. You either don't know me at all...or don't care.

That day, you also mentioned being upset about something I had posted over a year ago about being stressed out because my credit was all maxed out. And yes, I probably mentioned that your house and $3000 transmission bill were on my credit. I think after all that I financed for you, I'm entitled to be a little stressed out about it. I won't be able to get a decent car loan until that house is paid off and I really need to get a new car soon! So what? Is that really worth holding a grudge over? Heck, is it really even worth getting upset about?

When you called yesterday, I thought maybe you had gotten over it and we could get back to normal. But, NO! You just needed me so you could remove your cell phone from my plan, but instead of waiting the 20 minutes it took me to get the message, call Verizon and then call you back, you just set up a new plan. Not even thinking that I would then be stuck paying the bill for your current line until the contract ended in a year. If you'd bothered to call before you went to the store, I could have taken care of it. But no...back to the silent treatment again. Heck, you weren't even nice to me when I called back to tell you I'd taken care of it.

So I called Verizon and had the guy call you to clear it up. Did you bother to call me & tell me it had been taken care of? Hell NO, you didn't even call me the first time to tell me your number had been changed.

So, after all this childishness, we are back to the silent treatment again. It's frustrating, but I'm not making the first step this time. You've done this to me before and I'm always the one that has to be the initiator. No more...if you want to have a relationship with me and Josh, you'd better get that chip off your shoulder, get your priorities in line and make your move.

I'm not going to do it this time!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Deep thoughts at a funeral

It's no surprise that death makes you think about your own mortality. Sitting at my aunts funeral I began to think about my own funeral. It's only natural to think of such things at a time like this, right?

I just wondered, what would my family plan to "honor" my life? Would they pick flattering pictures of my life or just whatever they had available? I hate having my picture taken so there aren't many good shots of me out there.

Would they have a pastor come, quote bible verses and pray? Right now, I don't think I would want that. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not on the believers train. I'm not sure what I believe but I think a christian funeral might be a little awkward right now.

Will friends and family get up and talk about funny things I did, or how I impacted their life while I was alive? Then I wonder, have a really done anything worthy of such a speech? Maybe nobody will be able to think of anything good to say other than I was a hard worker. I guess that might be enough for some people but, it makes me think about what else I haven't done with my life so far.

I really need to start doing something worthwhile with my life...before it's too late and I don't even have enough of a life to fill up my obituary!

Love this idea for a headstone!